Tuesday, November 2, 2010


I just sit and cry. 
it is just one of those days.  
it all just seems to much.
So, sometimes, I cry.
 A few months ago I cried, I cried because....
My little boy is now a grown man and he went and got married!  I cried because when your boy goes and gets married things change.  But, I also cried tears of  happiness.  Happiness because he found someone to love, someone to share his life with.  Happiness because he is happy.  I miss looking into the boy's room and seeing my little boy curled up in his bed and by big boy stretched out on his bed, feet hanging off the end.
A few weeks ago I cried, I cried because....
I said good-bye to my daughter as she headed off to college.  I love her and I miss her.  I know she is just a telephone call and a e-mail away, but I miss her physical presence.  I miss  trying to get her out of bed in the morning and trying to get her to go to bed at night. 
I miss her willingness to help out with her little brother.  I wonder if she misses his little voice in the morning?  "Jessica, get out of bed!  Jessica, get out of bed!  JESSICA!  GET....OUT....OF...BED!!!"
I  miss her random bits of information, her raised eyebrow and yes, I even miss the roll of her eyes......

The other day I cried, I cried because....
I sometimes feel like I am drowning.  I am drowning under the weight of life.  It is suffocating me.  The faster I try to swim to the surface, the further away it is.  
Family that is to far away across the many missed weddings, births, and deaths.  Deaths, that is probably the hardest, the chance to say a final good-bye, a final hug, a final "I love you".  It isn't the same over the  phone.
Businesses to keep afloat, people that rely on us.
Church responsibilities, people relying on us.
Children, even though two are grown, you never stop worrying.
A little boy, relying on us, relying on us to be his voice.  Are we making the right choices?  Is there more that we can do?  Questions, questions, questions.
My own self doubt adding to the weight.  The expectations that I set for myself and can't quite attain.

But, then, I stop feeling sorry for myself.  I put on my big girl panties, isn't that the expression now days??  I remind myself of how blessed I am.  I remind myself of prayers that are answered.  I remind myself of support and strength I receive from God, family and friends.  I remind myself that I am made of sterner stuff, that I don't quit.
Tonight, I cried........
I cried in the new Seffner McDonalds!

Samuel loves fries.  Whenever we go past McDonalds, Sam says, "Fries".  Jim was out of town tonight, so I though I would take Sam to the new McDonalds here in Seffner for a treat.
It was busy......very, very busy.
This new McDonalds has a play area.
It was busy.....very, very busy.
It has probably been 6 months since I have taken Samuel to a play area at a fast food establishment.  It is always a mine field for a little boy with autism.  A little boy who pushes, pulls hair and screams when he doesn't know what is expected of him.  Crowds, noise and all that comes with it, just adds to it.
Sam was so excited to be going into McDonalds and when he saw the play area......
he started jumping.  Pulling on my arm as we ordered our food, Sam said to me, "Eat first, then play?"
We ate and then ventured into the danger play zone.
Did I mention before that it was busy.....very, very busy??
There was a trillion kids, standing room only for parents.
There was screaming.....lots and lots of screaming.
There was pushing.....lots and lots of pushing.
There was crying.....moderate amounts of crying.
There was blood.....small amounts of blood.

None of it was caused by my little boy.
He waited his turn to go up and down steps.
I watched him put out his hands to push, but he stopped himself.
He didn't scream, he just laughed.
He had fun.
No body could tell that he was any different than any other child there.
But, he was different.
He is my little boy.
My little boy, who made me cry.  
I cried because Sam had a fun time. 
  I cried because I am so proud of his accomplishments, of how far he has come in such a short period of time.
It was a good cry.
I love being a mother, I love my kids.  Someone said once, that when your children walk into the room, they should see your face light-up.  I can't remember the exact quote.  But my children make my face light-up.  The 23-year old, the 18-year old, the one in heaven and the 5-year-old.
DON'T google "big girl panties", what the heck was I thinking?????


Anonymous said...

Now you're making me cry.

Bonnie said...

Oh my goodness.... Tears are coming and welling up in my eyes now. I love reading your blogs, you make us feel exactly what you are feeling! :) So happy for all your children, and PS, I agree, my kids are my light as well! They definitely make my facelight up! Good luck!!! Many hugs to you and your family!

Jessica said...

This made me smile, and if you miss me so much then call more often. Just not when I'm in class... Josh got me in trouble when he did that...